select choir auditions // dad's_house

It's almost painful
almost
like, I want to listen
but not only listen
I want to join them
to create that beautiful sound with them
but no, that's not it
because I want to be better
better than them
I want to know for certain that I can make that sound
more beautifully than-
or at least as beautifully as-
they can
to hear some people talk
you'd think I'd be incredible
but what if they're wrong?
I swear, I pale in comparison to them
maybe it's just my imagination
I don't think he heard me at my best
I think that I was okay
okay
but not great
not better
they were great
they were better
than me
it's weird
I wasn't nervous
exactly
I don't really get
nervous
before I perform
not really
it's more
that I couldn't
let loose enough
my voice sounded unfarmiliar
to myself
not
clear enough
strong enough
beautiful enough
I wish I could do it again
why couldn't I have said
something like
"I'm sorry, I have a cold
my voice isn't exactly great today
do you think I could try that note again?"
I did have a cold
do have a cold
it wouldn't have been lying
and I feel so depressed
they're so much better
voices so much more beautiful
I want to cry
but I can't
it isn't overwhelming enough to cry
but i feel like I need to do some thing
anything
sing
but I don't have the right song
and
besides
they would just sing it louder
clearer
more beautiful
than I ever could.


Depression.

God that girl was pretty
almost like the golden one
but on a different extreme
gold
ebony
clear, smooth skin
like peach water
freckles
like cinnamon sprinkled across her face
summer
winter
still
something so similar
and
her voice
was
snow.

So beautiful.


Why aren't I that beautiful?



Why aren't I snow?

elphie.<3